It's all gone a bit wrong!!

I'm sorry for the delay in posting, as you may have guessed by the title of this post, things have gone a bit awry!!

I am sitting on the sofa, having been off work for the last three days with a bad back. It is entirely my own fault, I was so tired (or, as my boyfriend is dishonestly telling everyone, drunk) on Sunday after his cousin and her family left that I fell asleep in the armchair with one leg over the arm of it and my back seems to have gone into a spasm. I am slowly getting better but it is very painful. Unfortunately, I can only take one of the painkillers that the doctor gave me on Monday as the other one makes me feel very sick.

There was some good news today, I stood on the scales and finally I have lost a pound - unfortunately, my password for the ticker isn't working - (or I can't remember it!) so I can't update it. I'll try again but I may have to start again - bother!! I was particularly excited as this finally takes me below 14 stone which is something I haven't been for a number of years!!

We saw the GP on Friday morning, she was fantastic. She sent me for the necessary blood tests and I have to go back this week for the results. I think they may be a bit out as my cycle is not the full 28 days but I'll see what comes back. I also took my boyfriend's sample to the hospital for analysis to check he is all okay. That is such a funny experience, you have to get it to the hospital within an hour of it being produced and keep it at body temperature. Bearing in mind that means a 25-30 mile dash down the motorway with it tucked in the waist band of your skirt, hoping that you don't get stopped or have an accident, you can see it is quite amusing!!

I also had a massive reality check on Friday. I went out with a group of people I used to work with two years ago. There were about 30 of us out and I only knew about 20 of them - if that. While I was there I realised of the people I knew, two are in remission from breast cancer, one of them (who is only 26) is fighting bowel, liver and lung cancer (with only a hope of extending her life not curing her illness) and another lost his 15 year old son earlier this year. It suddenly brought everything into perspective, especially the 26 year old. I'm pining for a 'nice to have' she is hoping for a miracle to allow her to live just a little bit longer. It made it much easier at the weekend when I discovered that once again, I'm not pregnant. It will be helpful to have the results of our tests but if we don't have a baby I am going to accept that it wasn't meant to be and concentrate on all the positives in my life.

Interesting ...

I'm feeling lots better after the weekend.

I went back to work yesterday and had nothing but understanding and support. My boss has been fantastic and has told me if I need to take time out for appointments then just make them and we will work round it. One of my colleagues is pregnant via IVF and she has given me some very useful information. Apparently, the first test that should have been done was to check my FSH levels which gives an indication of how many eggs I have left and then they can do another blood test to check whether I have actually ovulated. I am now seeing my GP to ask for these tests on Friday. My colleague has offered to talk it through with me any time which is really lovely.

I think once we have these tests done and my boyfriend's test results are known we will be in a better place to understand what our chances/options are, so I'm feeling happier.

I've just met my old boss for a coffee which was great, lots to catch up on! I also bumped into the nurse from the obesity service. I, rather cheekily, took the opportunity to mention my concern that I might need another fill. She thought I looked like I'd lost more weight but said I might need another one. She's advised to give it a bit longer so we agreed to wait until the new year and then do something if necessary.

So, all is calm again and I am feeling happier!

Early morning!

Well, despite being exhausted last night, I have had a very early start this morning. I was awake at about 5am, then my boyfriend was up at 6am for work. I managed to drift off to sleep again but was woken by the phone at 6.45am. It was my boyfriend to tell me that there was an abandoned van blocking our driveway. He'd moved it to get out but thought I ought to know as it was probably stolen and we should be cautious!! Anyway, the police got here about 7 and the tow truck has only just arrived. It has caused chaos as we live on a country lane which is the main route in and out of the village.

I'm feeling better today, I think I was just stunned by the hospital. They have said all along that there would be help for me but when they came to do the referral it turns out I am too old at 43. The limit is 42. I feel particularly frustrated as my birthday was January so my age hasn't changed since they first saw me and I expected age to be an issue back in April but when they were so positive with what they could do for us I didn't give it another thought.

We do have the option to pay privately for treatment and we need to give that some serious consideration. The problem is, the hospital were talking about less invasive intervention than IVF which I was happy about as we had decided to draw the line at IVF for fear of chasing unobtainable dreams. Now, I'm thinking if we are going to pay for treatment we would be better investing in IVF as it may give us a greater chance of success and I'm not sure I am able to put myself through that rollercoaster. The consultant told me yesterday that my chances of getting pregnant with IVF are 10% and actually having a baby is only 5% which at £2-4k a go is almost akin to flushing the money away, not to mention the emotional trauma it could cause. All along I have said I didn't want to become so obsessed with it that I had no where to go if it didn't happen and now I just don't know what to do.

I need to count my blessings and remember that there are so many people in this world who have had to come to terms with not becoming parents. I suppose I just hoped it would happen somehow!

Devastated

I've had the day from hell today. I had the follow up appointment after my operation in July.

I'm okay, I'm not ill, I'm just not pregnant and I'm not going to get the fertility treatment they promised. I'm still feeling very emotional so I won't try to explain it all now but suffice it to say I am devastated.

I need to try to get a bit of perspective and I'm sure I'll be okay in a day or so but right now my eyes are swollen and red from a day of on and off crying!!

Feeling good!

Just a quick post - having a busy time at work!!

Bertie is working a treat at the moment. I have started to listen to my body and only eat when I feel the need to which is not often . I hope that this will have a positive impact on my weight loss - it is looking promising!

Today I felt good because I wore a size 16 skirt and jumper and a size 14 coat (which was fitting very well!!). I have to keep reminding myself that not that long ago I was struggling to stay in a size 20 (not always successfully!!). Bearing in mind that I am only 5 foot tall - you will realise that I resembled a ball and now am more like an egg!!!

I was working in London today which is always a nice day out, a four hour meeting and four hours on a train - beats having to work for a living!!

Where is the time going?

Sorry for the lack of posts, it has been a bit difficult cos my boyfriend is working mornings this week and next so it is tricky to get on line without him nosing!!

This week has been such a drag, I have been exhausted all week and struggled to drag myself out of bed. Yesterday I was driving to work wondering whether I was going to make it through the day, I felt as though I'd already done a days work and should really be on my way home. I've had a nice lie in this morning and feel a bit better, atlhough I am about to start running around all over the place now so will probably be shattered again by tonight! Then we have some friends coming to lunch tomorrow - busy, busy!!!

Bertie has cut me some slack so thank heavens for small mercies!!

Anyway, must jump in the shower and get moving.

Back in the swing!

Well, we had a lovely time in Ireland! We got back late on Sunday and it has been a bit of a whirlwind getting back in the swing of things. Feels like we've not been away at all!

Bertie behaved himself to start with but I think he got fed up with me towards the end and just stopped me eating more than a few bites. Consequently, I only put on one pound over the whole week and I think that was more to do with the copious amounts of alcohol I drank! Fortunately, that had disappeared today so I'm more than chuffed!

He has kept this up for a few days now and today was a total b*gger. I've had an ache in my chest all day and felt like I was going to throw up a few times - still that is what I signed up for. I fully expect the scales to reflect this but I bet they don't!!

I apologise for my last post, I read it just now and spotted a few typos! Obviously, I meant that I would try to post more frequently in OCTOBER!!!